Girls Talk Boys
by carbonatedfruit
Summary: In which Sakura and her girlfriends get drunk and compare messy hookup stories. And on the one night that each of their boyfriends happen to spy on one of their sleepovers. No one's pride leaves the scene in tact.


_Started: August 4, 2016  
Finished: August 5, 2016_

 _In which Sakura and her girlfriends get drunk and compare messy hookup stories. And on the one night that each of their boyfriends happen to spy on one of their sleepovers. No one's pride leaves the scene in tact._

A/N: pls be aware that this discusses sex very explicitly so if y'all get uncomfy with that, then this is probably not the story for you lmao also be warned that there is alcohol involved so OOC-ness may occur ;)

* * *

"I think it's kinda wild that you and Sakura are living together now. How'd you get her to agree? I distinctly remember her saying that if you ever asked her to move in without showing her a ring, she would shoot you down faster than she used to shoot Rock Lee down back in high school."

Naruto was sitting at the breakfast bar in Sasuke – and Sakura's – apartment. There was a bowl half-filled with fruit in front of him. Sasuke refused to stock his kitchen with ramen of any sort, so Naruto was forced to eat healthy food from the pantries stocked by the health guru Sasuke was dating.

Sasuke shrugged before pouring a cup of protein powder into his blender bottle. It already had coffee, almond milk, and blended ice in it, so the vanilla powder made him a nice iced coffee protein shake.

"I just laid out the facts for her. She was making just enough money from her residency at the hospital to afford her apartment. We practically lived together already, but it just alternated locations between my place and hers. And she's constantly complimenting my apartment. It was really just a matter of time. And plus, I offered her the apartment every two weeks to have to herself so she and all the girls can have one of their sleepovers."

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "So I have you to blame for Hinata leaving me alone once every other week. I was starting to wonder who I could blame."

Sasuke shrugged again, beginning to shake his blender bottle to mix his drink. "Sakura says they're necessary."

"For what?"

"Hell if I know."

There was a moment of silence, save the sound of the blender in Sasuke's bottle rattling back and forth.

"We should spy on them."

Sasuke looked at his best friend with a raised eyebrow. "Do you know how much shit we'd get if we got caught?"

Naruto winked. "So let's not get caught."

* * *

It was the first Friday night of the month, so Sakura was running around her apartment trying to get everything ready for her guests. The idea of this being "her" apartment was still new and unfamiliar, but she liked the way the address seemed to just fit her when she wrote it on forms or let it roll off her tongue.

Her boyfriend had already left for the liquor store to pick up some essentials for tonight. Thinking back to him earlier in the day, he had seemed unusually eager to help her set up. She didn't know what he did when she shooed him out of the apartment two nights a month, but she figured that he went to go hang out with the other boyfriends whose girlfriends she was stealing for the night. Maybe there was an important football game on tonight or something.

Sakura carried the spare blankets and pillows from the linen closet into the living room. She'd made the mistake of having the first sleepover in her own bedroom, and the other girls had inevitably found her and Sasuke's condoms and proceeded to make absolute fun of her thanks to the ridiculous amount of variety in Sasuke's bedside drawer. So she liked to experiment; let her _live_.

She had a plethora of takeout and delivery menus on the kitchen counter for them to pick from later, and an entire season of a new show on Netflix for them to binge if the desire took them.

Sakura didn't want to brag or anything, but she was kinda sorta the greatest hostess on the planet.

Humble, I know.

Sasuke came home with arms full of alcohol. As he unpacked the brown bag, Sakura checked off each item in her head to make sure she had everything.

There was a pack of assorted sodas for chasers, two handles of vodka, two handles of tequila, another of rum, one bottle of Ciroc, and various juices to mix. Plus, there was still gin and triple sec under the counter from the last sleepover.

There was a very good chance that Sakura would not remember tonight when she woke up tomorrow.

At five o'clock, Sasuke kissed Sakura goodbye and left the apartment with his overnight bag in hand. Sakura, hair fucked up, tried her best to smooth out her appearance before her guests showed up. She and Sasuke had made good use of a couple condoms before he left, but if Ino caught wind of this, she'd never hear the end of it.

Sakura made her way into the kitchen and began to make enough margaritas for the six of them as she waited. Hinata was the first to show up, punctual as usual. Sakura handed her a freshly-made margarita, but Hinata refused.

"Hinata, there's no way you're going to go tonight without drinking unless…" Sakura gasped. "Do _not_ tell me you're pregnant."

Hinata flushed. "Absolutely not! I've just been… irritated with Naruto lately. I need something stronger than a margarita."

Sakura shuffled around in the cupboards and produced two shot glasses. She filled each to the brim with tequila. Hinata took one, and they clinked glasses before throwing the golden liquid down the hatch.

* * *

Meanwhile, across town, Sasuke and Naruto were seated in front of Naruto's television. They'd set up a camera in the living room on the television in Sasuke and Sakura's apartment and disguised it as a part of Sasuke's Playstation console.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow and looked at Naruto.

"What'd you do to drive Hinata to doing shots of tequila?"

"I may or may not have forgotten our anniversary and stood her up for dinner on that night."

Sasuke snorted. "Good luck fixing that one, buddy."

And the doorbell rang. Standing in the hallway were the other four boyfriends left abandoned by their girlfriends thanks to Sasuke's girlfriend. They each grabbed a slice of pizza on their way in and situated themselves in front of the television. And they waited for the night to play out.

* * *

An hour later, and the six girls were sipping margaritas in their pajamas and waiting for their Chinese food to be delivered.

Hinata's cheeks were already bright pink from the alcohol, and everyone was currently roasting her for being such a lightweight. Of course, they had already roasted the fuck out of her boyfriend who had forgotten their anniversary and then proceeded to stand her up when it came to their anniversary dinner.

Sakura was in the kitchen with Ino, mixing a pitcher of Long Island Lemonade.

"Forehead, tell me why you smell like sex," Ino said casually as she poured rum into the pitcher.

The four girls in the living room all shrieked with laughter and begged for an answer.

"Because I slept with your boyfriend," Sakura said very seriously.

"Well, I am so sorry to hear that. Did he do that thing to your tits that he thinks is hot?" Ino replied just as seriously.

Sakura choked on her margarita and began to cough like there was no tomorrow.

"Or did he get really rough in bed because he gets really turned on when he calls you a bitch?" Ino asked, carrying the pitcher to the living room. Sakura followed with several glasses to serve the lemonade in.

Tenten was laughing so hard she almost pissed her pants, but she was wearing these cute booty shorts from Victoria's Secret, so she stopped herself.

"Stop exposing Kiba, oh my god," Tenten said between laughs.

Ino rolled her eyes. "Oh right, as if none of your boyfriends have done some weird shit in bed."

The room got quiet.

"One time when he was drunk, Suigetsu suggested pegging," Karin said.

Everyone looked at the redhead expectantly.

"Ten out of ten, would recommend," she supplied.

"Oh god, remember when you had that massive crush on Suigetsu, and he agreed to go on a date with you _only_ if it was a double date and if you brought a friend for his cousin?" Sakura asked, already laughing at the very thought.

"Holy shit, and I brought you!" Karin yelled.

"And we got there and his cousin was that Kisame guy from the Akatsuki!" Sakura finished.

"Okay, you're laughing, but didn't you end up dating him for like two months?" Ino asked.

A blissful smile stretched across Sakura's face. "Oh definitely. That was some of the best sex ever. His dick was like the size of a baby's arm. I swear."

"Remember that guy I dated for like two years before I dated Shikamaru?" Temari asked, sipping more of her margarita.

"Oh my god, _yes_ ," Tenten said, fanning herself, "he was gorgeous. Why'd you break up, anyway? We were all convinced you were gonna marry him."

Temari pursed her lips for a moment, and then she spoke. "We broke up because he wanted me to pee on him. Like deadass, wanted me to stand over him and just piss on his naked body."

Hinata let out a shriek at the very thought as everyone else howled with laughter.

The five others turned towards Hinata with expectant looks.

"So what's the dirt on Naruto?" Karin asked. Somehow, all five of them knew that Hinata was drunk enough to have loose lips, but not drunk enough to start lying.

Hinata seemed to pause and think for a second, and then her eyes lit up as she remembered something.

* * *

"Shika, you got picked over a dude who wanted to pee on your girlfriend. How does that make you feel?" Kiba asked as he finished off his third slice of pizza.

"Kiba, you get turned on by calling your girlfriend a dog. You can't talk to me."

"Guys, shut up, I think Hinata's about to spill the beans about Naruto," Suigetsu snapped, taking a swing from his beer.

The six looked at the screen and waited. Meanwhile, Sasuke was contemplating the whole "Kisame was some of the best sex ever" thing.

* * *

"You know when a dick enters your vag at a certain angle and pushes air into you and results in a queef?" Hinata asked, and everyone's jaws dropped at her bluntness brought on by the alcohol. Sakura personally wasn't sure if she'd ever heard the word "dick" come out of Hinata's mouth.

But the five nodded nonetheless.

"Well, that happened one night with Naruto, except the queef didn't actually come out. So I had air up in me. And after the sex, he hugged me tighter than usual. And straight up just squeezed the queef right out of me."

It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. And then everyone started screaming laughing.

* * *

Across town in a messy apartment on the fourth floor of its apartment building, six guys sat in front of a television, speechless.

"Is that… possible?" Kiba asked, breaking the silence.

"Can that really happen?" Suigetsu wondered, thinking back to every time he had had sex with Karin.

"Wait, does that mean that queefs are _our_ fault?" Naruto asked. The other five looked at him in wonder and awe as realization dawned on each of them.

"I feel as though we have made a grave mistake in spying on our girlfriends," Neji said nervously.

* * *

The night progressed as the girls consumed more alcohol and shared more and more stories of hookup blunders. They weren't all necessarily personal experiences, but they were entertaining nonetheless.

"One time back in college, Forehead had a guy sleep over in our dorm and they deadass fucked with me in the room," Ino announced.

"It was one time! And we didn't even actually bang; there was just some… fingering," Sakura protested.

"Oh, I know there was fingering, Sakura. I heard it."

The girls all shrieked at the thought.

"That's nothing," Karin sniffed. "One time I slept over at this guy's dorm, and we fucked while his roommate was asleep five feet away. And someone walked into the room to get something and we pretended to be asleep, I swear. But how well can you fake sleep when you have a penis inside your vag? Honestly. Just imagine."

"At least it was only once," Temari shrugged.

Karin made a face that one hundred percent said that it was most definitely not only one time.

"You know what I hate?" Tenten said, taking a drink of her screwdriver. "When guys don't know shit about foreplay."

"Is my cousin not giving you what you need, Tenten? Because I will _fuck him up_ ," Hinata growled, cracking her knuckles. Ino threw an arm around Hinata's shoulders and hugged her.

"Guys, can we please keep drunk Hinata? She's kind of my spirit animal," Ino wailed.

Tenten laughed. "Nah, not Neji. But some guys before him. I mean, clearly they don't matter now that I have a man who goes down on me for so long that he needs a snorkel, but it used to be so frustrating, you know?"

"I know exactly what you mean. I had one guy who thought that eating out consisted of all vagina and no clit action," Ino volunteered.

"I once slept with a guy who didn't even know what eating out was," Temari sighed.

"One time, this guy only did foreplay for about two minutes before wanting to fuck. I mean, it wasn't that bad considering he had a small dick anyway. But if he was average sized, that would _not_ have worked out in anyone's favor," Karin said sadly.

"Does anyone else's boyfriend spell out the alphabet with his tongue down there?" Sakura asked, and everyone looked at her like she was psycho.

"Um. No," Tenten said.

"Well, that's your loss then. Because that shit is _magical_ ," Sakura huffed, and then took a big gulp of her mixed drink that consisted of red berry Ciroc and Minute Maid fruit punch.

"You know what sucks? Literally and metaphorically?" Ino asked in a very salty voice. And it didn't take a genius to figure out what she was talking about, so the other five girls all immediately said, "blowjobs".

"Yes! Blowjobs! I mean, I love giving head. It's so fun. But when it gets to being about 20 minutes in and he's nowhere near finishing, I get bored. You know?"

"I know exactly what you mean," Hinata said, and no one was sure what to do with the information that Hinata definitely went down on Naruto. "My jaw starts to hurt like a _fucker_. I know guys have this issue with finishing 'early' but like… c'mon."

"Exactly!" Tenten yelled. "If guys could finish between like five and fifteen minutes, that'd be the perfect blowjob. And it's not like I'd judge them for finishing in five minutes. Like I _know_ from personal experience that you can last for like an hour if you want. But it's just common courtesy to us. The word 'job' is in 'blowjob' for a reason. It's fuckin work to give good head."

"And I hate when people compare eating pussy to blowing a guy," Temari added, "because it's totally different. Guys _love_ eating girls out. But blowjobs are only fun for girls for the first 15 minutes. I mean, they're both super rewarding in the pride department, but making someone finish is on totally different levels for different genders."

* * *

On the other side of town, a group of six guys were furiously taking notes.

"I just want to know why they didn't tell us this off the bat," Neji growled as he wrote "finish between 5 and 15 minutes" on his notepad.

"You know for a fact that if any of our girlfriends told us to finish faster, it would result in a fight and potentially a break up," Sasuke said as he typed more on the note in his phone entitled "Sex tips that'll make Sakura happier".

"Yeah, I'm not about to ruin my chances of a future with the girl who lets me get rough with her in bed and lets me think that what I do to her tits is hot," Kiba added as he wrote his notes on his arm in sharpie.

"There's no way I'm risking my relationship with Hinata. Her boobs are out of this world," Naruto said. But then he immediately took that back after receiving a cold stare from his girlfriend's cousin.

* * *

"Enough complaining though. I want to hear about perfect hookups," Ino announced, holding her empty shot glass up in the air.

"One time Naruto titty-fucked me," Hinata said casually, and everyone looked at her chest. The thought of Naruto's dick between them was enough to make them all shudder a little.

"One time me and Shika tried bondage. Haven't stopped doing it since," Temari said happily.

"Kiba and I are currently looking for another girl to have a threesome with. We have several candidates that we found on Tinder," Ino told them as she filled her shot glass with another round of tequila.

"Sasuke told me he loved me for the first time during sex. I've used it as blackmail ever since."

"Neji used my vibrator on me once. I highly recommend trying that."

"Suigetsu fucked me in a hot tub once. Said it was more of his element."

"Oh, that reminds me," Ino said, thinking, "shower sex sucks."

"I nearly broke my damn neck having shower sex," Tenten agreed.

"I don't mind it, but that could also be because Sasuke and I have a detachable shower head and a huge shower to do it in," Sakura shrugged.

And everyone got quiet as they each tried to remember how many times they'd showered at Sasauke and Sakura's apartment.

* * *

Each boyfriend had a list of sex tips that they'd picked up from their girlfriend's gossip, but around two in the morning, the girls began to start passing out. Whether it was from alcohol or exhaustion, they didn't know. But the six guys ended up sleeping strewn across Naruto's apartment just in case the girls woke up in the middle of the night to discuss their boyfriends again.

In the morning, they ate cold pizza for breakfast and one by one began to leave to pick up their girlfriends who were all undoubtedly hungover.

Four of them left, and it was just Sasuke and Naruto left. Sasuke was eating the fruit he'd brought from home and Naruto was eating a bowl of instant ramen.

"So that was an unexpected night," Naruto said casually.

"It's weird to think about. They had all these complaints about us, and yet they're still with us all," Sasuke said as he stuck a piece of watermelon into his mouth. Naruto grinned.

"For a genius, you're pretty dumb, Sasuke," he said with a laugh. "It's because sex isn't everything to them. At the end of the day, they love us and we love them. No one's relationship is perfect, but now we have what we need to know in order to try and make our relationships a little closer to perfect."

Sasuke's phone vibrated with a text from Sakura saying that he could come home. He picked up his overnight bag and headed for the door. Before he left, he paused in the doorway and looked at his best friend.

"You know, for an idiot, you're pretty wise sometimes," he said with a smirk.

* * *

Fast forward two weeks, and Sakura was going through her usual routine of preparing alcohol and her apartment for her guests. But when the doorbell rang, it wasn't just Hinata standing there. All five guests were standing in the hall, each one with ridiculous grins on their faces. They had barely set their things down and entered the apartment when all six of them began yelling.

"Neji spelled the alphabet with his tongue!"

"Kiba finished in the _perfect_ amount of time, and it was the best blowjob I've ever given in my life!"

"I haven't queefed with Shika at all in the past two weeks, holy shit?"

"Suigetsu asked if I had a vibrator and then used it during sex. I swear I've never come so hard!"

"Naruto started asking me what _I_ want and what _my_ fantasies are, and he's been making them all come true ever since!"

"Sasuke's been suggesting these new positions, and I _swear_ no dick has ever hit all the right spots like he has been recently!"

Across town in a messy apartment that smelled vaguely of ramen, six guys were high-fiving each other. And one of them was contemplating the ring in his jacket pocket.

* * *

 _;) I wonder who is thinking of proposing ;))))_

 _Also this story was entirely inspired by the song "Girls Talk Boys" by 5SOS except not as mushy and sappy and about how when girls gossip they talk about how much they love their boyfriends. In my experience, when girls gossip about boys, they discuss hookup blunders._

 _If you're skeptical about any of the mentioned hookup blunders in this story, I can vouch for each and every one of them. I did not experience all of them but some of them I can personally vouch for. The others come from such gossip nights with girlfriends. Sex is weird, y'all. It is not perfect. But it's still swell. I hope you enjoyed and maybe laughed once or twice._

 _I took a bullet for this story ok I hate SasuSaku but no other Sakura pairing worked for this situation so RIP my AkatSaku heart._


End file.
